I’ve had this little voice in my head whispering questions to me for months now. “Do you really want to race?” “Why are you training so hard?” “Are you having fun?” I kept ignoring the questions, and thought the little voice would go away. Because I love racing & training, right? I’ve been doing it for so long because it’s fun, right? Well that little voice got REAL loud last night. During our weekly Wednesday night OBC (Ozaukee Bike Club) ride last night, I quit. It was fast. It was hard. But not faster or harder than the last one hundred Wednesday night rides that I’ve been on. But midway thru, I sat up. Just turned around and rode home (alone). Why?
I’m OCD by nature. In my youth, I was a hell raiser. And a full-time hell raiser at that. But with age came responsibilities. Family, career, expectations. So I channeled my OCD into healthier pursuits. Marathons & Ironman triathlons were a joint obsession for years. And I got pretty good at both. But running injuries moved me towards cycling, and I hit it HARD. Crits, road races, cyclocross. If it had a Start/Finish line, I was in. For the last 5 or 6 years, I was totally immersed in training & racing. I kept a mileage log (50,000 OUTDOOR miles in 5 years). I got caught-up in the WCA/ToAD points standings. It was exciting. I met a lot of nice people (and some not-so-nice people). But I’ve hit the wall. Flamed out. Stick a fork in me. DONE. So the little voice is back, And it’s asking, “Now what?”
Do I love cycling? I’m not sure. But I know that I love biking. Is there a difference? I think so. Cycling is more about lycra, carbon, watts and podiums. Biking is simpler. Pure. Joy. Can there be a balance between the two? I’m hoping to find out.